“So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.”      [Quran 3:139] 

I met her many years ago, She was always one of those that you meet and   acknowledge but never get to know her…  You know she is always there and you just never took the chance to get close nor invite her in.  Sisters warn you against her.  She is mentioned all over the media..  A Headliner in western society but slowly  creeping into the rest of the world… Pharmaceutical Companies have benefited millions of dollars from her.  She stands by your window watching your every move – the way you deal with your children – the way you are with your husband…She is not interested in your gatherings and your surroundings…She wants you all alone to herself…

One day, you open your door and let her in…  It’s not that she was never there, rather you always managed to hide her well by suppressing her… she might have visited you once in a while – when things were going wrong, …However  you had the strength and support to get up and chase her away…you seek refuge from her and you pray to Allah swt that He protects you from her.  She runs away and you don’t hear from her for a long time.. she sees how happy you are on the outside but she knows your weakness more than you know it.  But beware!  She has an opportunistic nature, she will move in very fast…

One day, she revisits when you are at your weakest moment.. She suddenly takes over your life and destroys everything that you’ve built over the years..You try so hard to make her disappear but this time it’s going to be a long visit…She is here to stay ‘ilaa ajaalin mussamah’ You wake up and find yourself in a situation that many go through yet you feel so alone… In  total darkness.. or in Deep Water… You wake up one day from deep slumber, you hear your children’s voices. They are downstairs in the kitchen whispering away with their father getting breakfast ready.  Surrounded by their presence, they’ve known for a while that mama hasn’t been too well,  they shower you with their love and warmth, yet you feel lonelier.  You find a note by your bedside, realizing that it was written with your own hand you read it as if it was the first time…

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In Deep Water..

Why do I feel like I don’t know how to do things today?  Life feels upside down.  I watch the news and  see people dying all around the world.   Due to natural disasters, famine, wars etc…  I feel sorry for them and? I want to do something.. I want to help them….it’s my nature I’ve always done things for others, yet I can’t help myself out of this one…I call it a silent killer…My brain just can’t stop thinking…no it’s not thinking it’s voices I hear inside my head…always talking to me….I go to sleep thinking that it will stop but I get up feeling and hear the same things over and over….I’m so tired I can’t keep going anymore…I feel so exposed, the masks that I had to protect me all these years have gone… I can’t smile anymore…is it because my smiles weren’t sincere before or is it because I’ve been in so much pain that I don’t know how anymore?????

He was laughing today, I can’t make him laugh it’s what I thought….Why can’t I make him laugh….I’m loosing you he says!!! maybe that’s why I can’t make him laugh…his smile is like a rose between all the thorns….I hope he keeps smiling….he is human the voices inside my head say…he will have enough of you….another voice say but what can I do…I don’t know what to do…I don’t know how to do things? I forgot how to do basic things…..I feel unwanted…..I felt like that since I was in that bubble…was I so much of a burden?  what an attention seeker I was called….but not anymore…being in the deep water I feel I need to be left alone but at the same time I feel lonely and confused….I gave up on everyone around me…  they can’t help…  how can they help when they can’t hear the voices inside me….it’s a battle…for years I searched and searched.. Are they my voices…are they whispers of shaytaan??? who or what are they? You look for ways of stopping them…  I went to seek help from raqis thinking it’s black magic or envy… I attended talks and seminars, workshops…I tried speaking to family and friends…. At times I blame it on my failures…Everyone tells me they have the answers and solutions to how I feel…  I try it for a week/a month/a year…  I spend money and energy….  I take a break, I go on holidays…but it starts all over again….

 some say, “stop thinking!”

– but it isn’t thinking!!!!!!!!

I have to stop it…I need to STOP….HOW??? Please tell me HOW????  I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.  I get anxious….I find it difficult to breath…they cant seem to find out why?? I take medical tests but Doctor’s say that I am not asthmatic but you have the symptoms..how STRANGE??? My wishes of going comes back…

” I just want to go” the voice says again…I can hear it loud and clear…

-“but go where??” ,”

-” go for an eternal sleep”…

– “They will all not miss me”…

– “what would I say to them?? I am sorry for existing.  Sorry for being a waste of space”.

I think of my grave…the darkness…being all alone…not having to worry about people not being sincere with me… the fake smiles…the pain that some try and hide but making themselves look better than me…. the arrogance and pride others have…. the jealousy and envy most hide…  the ingratitude the complainers show….. thinking of my loved ones.  Will they be better off without me.   Me  being nothing but a failure and a disappointment to them… not giving them their rights…  I know I know I’ve said sorry too many times…we are known for that…but this time I will write it with my own blood…THE FINAL SORRY THIS WILL BE!!!

Then suddenly I hear another voice that reminds me.. “But what about that dream you had?” 

“oh that dream but it’s been 15yrs since that dream…  I still remember it….  I remember the feeling!!! I remember sitting in a hole in the ground all alone with a prayer mat and my prayer beads… I would pray 2 raakat and then make duaa and continue with dhikr…  I had a big colorful tree in my hole that had beautiful fruits from which I could eat from if I’m hungry…I felt peace and tranquility…it was a total bliss…I wasn’t worried I wasn’t thinking about anything….I wasn’t in need of anything…didn’t need any reassurance…but then I heard a noise it was coming from another hole in the ground next to mine…their was a small window from where I saw a bird landed… I was intrigued by the size of the bird and squeezed my head through the little window to have a closer look…I said, “Assalamu’Alaikum!” and it very politely returned my salaam…It was huge but very colorful…The bird asked if I was well, I replied with: “Alhamdulilah! I couldn’t be better!!!”

 It asked me to jump on its wing and said “come along I want to show you something”  so I did…It flew out of the hole and went very high in the sky way above the clouds…then I saw it…  I saw rivers and trees…I saw gardens with people walking around the river banks… They were rushing towards the same direction we were flying to.. it wasn’t very clear but it was beautiful…I asked where is this and the bird instantly replied using my name: “straight on where these people are heading is what YOUR LORD Promises His righteous servants!!! Their Eternal abode”.  I was in total awe and just kept looking down below…. The bird continued, “and what Allah swt has kept hidden is even more beautiful”.  I woke up from that dream crying and shaking like I never did before… Undeserving of all this goodness, I thanked Ar_Rahman for such  mercy and blessings…

STILL stuck in  deep water…I regain my strength and call upon His name and say:          ‘O Allaah! I am Your maidservant, daughter of Your servant, daughter of Your maidservant, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my chest, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety. O Allaah! Teach me from it that which I am ignorant of and remind me with it that which I was made to forget; I ask You by Your mercy, for You are the Most Merciful, to grant me its recitation during the hours of night and day in the form which pleases You’

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Depression or the silent killer as some call it, is not something new in our community.  The quran reminds us in many occasions that we will face challenges in this dunya.  It also gives us many tools to help us to deal with it so we don’t get to the point of no return, DESPAIR.  You won’t be able to choose the when and where you will be afflicted with such challenges.  If you are feeling depressed the main thing is not to give up. You are not alone and you are not at the end of the road, just a bend that when it’s time to go around it, by Allah you will see the light…

 And if you know someone that is feeling low, than don’t judge them…It doesn’t mean that they have a character weakness.  Sometimes it’s good to just give them time.  Be kind, gentle, and encouraging.  Be understanding because you really care.

 Don’t let her crawl into your life… As she will destroy everything you’ve built…

“O Allah!  Keep us safe from distress, grant us relief from depression and alleviate our worries, for You are the All-Hearing Who answers prayers, The Ever-Living, Eternal”.  Ameen!

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