“And Job, when he cried unto his Lord, (saying): Lo! adversity afflicteth me, and Thou art Most Merciful of all who show mercy.”  Qur’an 21: 83

When I was on my hospital bed a few months ago, I sat facing the qibla, longing for the sweetness of sujood that I’ve been physically missing out on for a few days.  Tears were blurring my vision, as the nurse for “night shift duty” entered my room – after pressing the nurse Call buzzer for some time.  I was getting frustrated being stuck in this room and with the staff, not just because of the pain or the not knowing what my illness was, but because of how they just seemed so careless.  They didn’t understand how exhausted I was from all the tests and my unanswered questions.  “Please hurry up get me something for the pain!”  I said breathlessly.  “Why do I have to keep reminding you guys when it’s time for my next dose?” I exclaimed.

I felt a lump develop in the back of my throat and immediately apologised to the nurse. I told her that it wasn’t her fault and that I never meant to sound so rude or ungrateful.  “Forgive me, I just had a long few days. To top it off the last nurse before you, gave me an overdose of a medication that has left me with a severe allergic reaction and not forgetting the agony I went through during the lumbar puncture procedure earlier.”  I said apologetically.

  It was just at that moment, I realised my human weakness.  My tears came streaming down because of how ashamed I was at myself.  Although I always believed that I was strong and was able to deal with physical pain…Having managed in the past to cope with challenges of pregnancies and labour pains.  However feeling helpless is what has increased my shame. I was growing to be hopelessly impatient. I tried reflecting on the verses and stories I could remember from the Quran…I recalled the stories of Mariam AS and the pain she went through..I used to use these divine comforts when I was in labour.  They always worked, except this time I found myself unable to relate.

 As I lay tormented by pain, I tried so hard not to question.. I always remembered my father (may Allah have mercy oh his soul) – telling me that sometimes it’s better not to ask why?  “Get yourself out of the situation first and then take the time to reflect.” He would explain further. I wanted to stop thinking and questioning but I simply couldn’t.  “Where is my faith that I’ve worked on all these years?” I wondered.  “Where was my belief in Allah’s decree, what about those gems that bring divine comforts – the ones we learned in study circles?”

I needed to remember a lecture, an article, a talk –  something that can help me go through this…  Perhaps a reminder that I read on Facebook or on twitter.  My heart felt clouded. Or it seemed as if there was nothing there that remained  – similar to an empty vessel…   Was it due to “information overload”? – where so much information is taken in by the human brain that it becomes nearly impossible to process it.  I couldn’t understand why nothing was coming to help me out of this helplessness..  I felt abandoned and alone in a gloomy room – on the second floor, in a private hospital and in a country where there was no Habeeb or a Qareeb.  With despair polluting my soul, like a hazy smog blanketing a large city on a hot summer day.   “Surely, relief is not coming!!!  Why would it come? I don’t deserve it..I am full of sins…” I thought to myself.

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Shortly after, the fajr adhaan echoed through Nouakchott,  I remembered my children and my daily routine of waking them up…  Memories of the blessings that we have found since our move here came rushing to my mind… The calling to prayer, not from an alarm clock or a mobile phone but “Live” from our local masjid… A sound that always brought comfort to my heart – a daily reminder that Allah is the Greatest!  Indeed Allah is the greatest! Allah is greater than my need of sleep or relief. Allah is greater than all this turmoil I was putting my soul into… Allah is Greater than all this pain.. Allah is Greater than all the painkillers. Verily Allah’s Mercy is Greater than all the doctors and the nurses… Why worry, why seek for anything else?  Allah is indeed THE GREATEST and Most High…

 With every word uttered by the mu’athin – my anxiety inside was slowly turning into calmness.  My tongue repeating each word after him, was leading my heart into absolute submission – which illuminated it with rays of hope at this immense blessing.  The blessing of Islam of which Allah (swt) has bestowed upon me. “I bear witness that there is no Deity worthy of worship but Allah.” The clouds of forgetfulness started to disperse… The story of Ayyub AS came to mind instantly and how much he had to endure with his incurable illness.   Still in severe physical pain,  I was able to smile to the nurse this time, as she came in through the door – 2 hours late!

 Later on that day, I had some special visits from wonderful people.  With every visit, an amazing feeling of comfort would surround me. I still remember that feeling until this day.  Every time I had a visitor, the minute their hand would go on my head while reciting the duaa – I would feel an immediate relief.  I wouldn’t want them to lift their hand from my head… Mauritanians or even non-mauritanians who lived in Mauritania have been blessed by this beautiful caring nature and the knowing of what to say at the right time and always come up with these beautifully memorised reminders, sayings and verses from the Quran… The best visit of the day was a dear friend of mine a young mauritanian woman I met here.  Before she left, she noticed how exhausted I’ve become due to the escalation of pain..  I remember her saying a few things but nothing has stuck with me.  They were indeed very simple words but the minute she said it.. it explained how I felt at fajr time.  She said: “You have to allow yourself to be in a state of Hamd, Gratitude.”  Since fajr time I was constantly making dhikr by saying Alhamdulilah and making istighfar and tasbeeh…but to be in a “state of Hamd” …I couldn’t understand it and had to ponder more on that.. Before she left she gave me the name of the youtube video where she had heard this from…I looked for it…I was curious to what this Hakeem had to say about this,  but I found the pain was getting too strong…I couldn’t even do a search on my phone…

 As I tried getting comfort from the pillows against the headboard of my hospital bed, I glanced at the ceiling trying to hold back my tears, yet they came rolling down my cheeks.

“Alhamdulilah, thank you Allah!” I whispered.  “Thank you for being here with me, thank you for being Al-Qareeb.  Thank you for being the All-Knower. Ya Allah!  thank you for knowing more than me what I am going through!  Thank you for not burdening my soul for more than it can bear.”  I continued

With every deep breath, I would feel the burden on my shackled soul disentangling.  Every part of my body was accepting what it was going through.  Could it be this what it means to be truly grateful to Allah (swt)? Could it be that for someone to reach a state of gratitude we must have acceptance and bear our affliction with patience??  Just then I realised what my husband always told me about patience: “Patience is not about waiting, it’s about how you wait!”

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On that same night, I found the strength and asked to be discharged.  The staff in the hospital couldn’t understand why.  When my Doctor arrived I was ready to fire out my list of complaints.

‘Doctor , you shouldn’t have transferred me to the so-called “best private clinic”… J’etais bien a “L’Hopital National de Nouakchott”..  Doc, you might have thought it was better for me because it was cleaner etc; however I was better off with “everyday” people. The nurses and docs were a lot more caring then the ones in this private hospital.  Doc the staff here might get paid more and maybe even better qualified yet they treat us sometimes like criminals..as if it’s our fault that we are sick.  Doc, they even made mistakes with my discharge bill and were going to make me pay triple the amount for care that I didn’t receive. Doc my VIP room is 10 times worst than a room shared with patients that I met in the national hospital who kept reminding one another of Allah (swt).  And the nurses that would say bissmillah every time they would take any blood test or give medication.  Doc I think I should complain to the hospital management because I am sure that it’s not what they want their hospital to be known for.’

Before uttering a word of my complaints to the smartly dressed Mauritanian Doctor.  Instead, I asked myself in what state do I want to leave the hospital”  wouldn’t it be the same as how I would want to leave this world? Humbled and grateful.  As I received my 3rd revised bill, I remembered Allah’s mercy upon me and said:

“Doc, I simply need to go home, I need to heal as opposed to just manage my illness or get over the pain for one night or two. Thank you for everything, you did what you could, but  I need to be with my family.” I tried explaining to my Doctor who was absolutely helpful and gave me the go ahead to return home.  

Our home, in the heart of T.Z near the famous Masjid Shaghali. As the unforgettable voice of our elderly mau’adhin calls for Salat-ul-‘Ishaa, I took small steps into our home – where I belong for now.

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“Sickness is not a bad thing because it is a form of taharah for the members of this great Ummah; it is purification. As muslims we have direct access to Allah, I don’t say that out of pride or arrogance but as acknowledging the fact that it is a true blessing that Allah swt has bestowed upon us to have that Direct access of praying to Allah swt and asking Him through salah and duaa… To sincerely pray for someone has many benefits and wallahi when it comes to your turn when you are sick and you sit in the hospital bed wondering where this ease has come from remember your duaas that you’ve made for others…Don’t get me wrong I don’t pray for others so when it’s my turn that others will pray for me, remember the hadith of praying for your brother and the angels praying for the same for you. Life on this earth wallahi it’s only bearable because of these good people who walk this earth, live and breathe wanting to do and to be there for others purely for His sake.”