“And proclaim unto mankind the pilgrimage. They will come unto thee on foot and on every lean camel; they will come from every deep ravine” (Qur’an 22:27)
“Don’t be hasty and rush for things that have not yet happened?” Someone once told me… “Your time will come, just keep making du’aa and your invite will insha’Allah come.” She continued.
As billboard and banners about Hajj have become part of the scenery on the streets of Nouakchott, my dream of being on my way – in the company of millions of pilgrims is once more delayed. Every year, my heart aches for this delay. The beautiful reminders of this upcoming days are everywhere – from Sheikh Shaghali’s friday sermons to radio shows. With regards to Radio, I must admit that one of my favourite pass time has become listening to Nouakchott’s Quran Radio. It has truly benefited us and also taught me a lot about Mauritanian scholars – especially those who don’t actually have a lot of exposure on cyberspace, YouTube etc… In one of the shows that was aired a while ago, I recall the young presenter saying as he introduced the show, “Today we will be discussing the wisdom behind hajj.”
After finishing his intro, the guest speaker very politely reminded the listeners and the presenter saying, “Son, as believers we should never be like those who always seek for wisdom or reasoning behind our acts of worships.” It was such an amazing gem to reflect on and the best thing was the manner in which the sheikh had passed it on.
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Although I lived part of my childhood in Saudi Arabia, I was among those who left the kingdom without seeing Allah’s house. Which I always found quiet painful, especially when people would throw comments such as, “you lived in Saudi and Never visited Al-Haramain? ” And now that I am living on the edge of the Sahara and hearing about stories of Great Scholars that have had actually walked it from Bilad Shinqit crossing the harshness of the Sahara Desert has certainly increased that longing. Not forgetting the famous story of Mansa Musa, the Emperor of the wealthy Malian Empire, who made his pilgrimage in 1324 from Mali. The thought of following in his footsteps and seeing how he had changed the world on his way to Hajj is something I always aspire for.
In the last few years, I realised that my longing for Hajj is like no other, it’s magnetic. It transmits, transmutes, and transcends everything. It sends out a signal, a beacon, a heart created homing pigeon to bring to me what I want. As the hajj season begins, I often find myself feeling that radiating heat from within wanting to just get up and go. Leaving everyone behind..worrying only about my journey. Hearing the heartfelt words of talbiyyah in my ears, ‘labbayka Allahuma labbayk.. Labbayka laa sharikaa lakaa labbayk..’ As my longing increases I feel unstoppable. So I choose the choice that allows me to have what I want. It’s a choice that is beyond right and wrong, black and white, one or the other. I know that my choice is not really a choice but a devotional commitment to my soul. “I need this journey!” I say “everything else can wait” I try convincing myself allowing fear to sit alongside me as I stay with what my soul desires.
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I start planning it all out in my head, then jotting it down on my scrapbook.. ‘Hajj 2013’ – the days of departure and the days of return…Whether it would be feasible to take the children or should I send them to their grandparents? But wouldn’t it be a burden to send them all, as the grandparents are getting old? Which Hajj group as there are so many and which packages? Not forgetting the problem of how expensive they have all become. While searching between these 4digit prices my mind questions at ‘how much of this money is actually used to cover the cost of the fancy adds, leaflets, brochures and the glamorous photo-shoot of our famous Ulema/speakers/dai’i that will attract the pilgrims?
While I note all of this down, my heart has already left me and is on its way… It recognises that my soul is longing and crying for an opportunity to be in The Sacred House. A place of rest and refuge for the soul.. A true sanctuary where all pilgrims gather from ‘kulli fajjin ‘amiq’ every deep ravine – as they travel to the house of God and go from strength to strength even though they may have traveled long distances to get there. A strength that will remove all the fatigue once I set eyes on the Ka’baa… My thirst that will be quenched by the sweetness of Zamzam water after the tawaaf and the sa’i of Safa and Marwa… An inner power that will keep my heart calling and my hands raised up high asking for mercy and forgiveness under the scorching heat in Arafat. As my soul longs to be close to Allah (swt) as He draws near to the earth. The physical exertion and aches of my cracked feet that will be forgotten once I lay my body on the ground under the black velvet sky and my eyes spot the stars sparkle like diamonds – on a clear, still, cloudless night in Muzdalifah.
“Mama, mama what’s after Muzdalifah?” My daughter asks as I find myself in the middle of our lesson on Hajj. “Where will the hujajj go after that?” she wondered. Just as I stopped daydreaming about MY Journey I carried on discussing with my children the rest of the rituals of Hajj. Often they would notice how emotional I get about this, especially on the year their dad was in Hajj. I remember how many people would ask me why I didn’t go with him? Looking back now I know that it was not the right time for me as so much was happening that year. I had just given birth to our 3rd child Asmaa and he had decided at the last-minute to go… well in better words it was Allah swt that has invited him that year, I always wanted our first hajj to be together, but I wasn’t going to be the one to hold him back and be selfish. After organising everything for his journey, I remember telling him that if I can’t be there on Arafat I would rather have him there making dua’a for me. Of course all this wisdom didn’t come from me but from my wonderful friend who her advice I always cherish until this day.
When Abu Shayma was on his hajj, I remember sitting in front of the TV watching the Hajj program on Saudi channel and always smiling while tears flowing down, which of course confused my eldest it’s when I explained to her about this longing a believer has for this journey. How it’s a special kind of emotion and that it goes deeper than the kinds of wanting that we all experience. That longing for Hajj has an ache to it. A longing that we long for with our whole body, deep down in our flesh and bones. Yet they are beyond words that I just couldn’t express them, but to just feel them.
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When we are deprived of certain things in life, we feel really bad. At times we may even start feeling arrogant towards the fact that we actually feel ‘deserving’ of things or that it is an obligation on Allah (swt) to make me among the pilgrims. Isn’t this a lack of Adab with my Lord at how I used to feel in the past… I used to say: ‘Deep down I know my call is coming, it will surely come, it will not be delayed by Allah’s will” And It wasn’t until this year that I’ve actually learned that this attitude can actually be a bit problematic… A few days ago, I found out about the death of my friend’s grandmother may Allah have mercy on her soul. When I went to visit the family to give my condolences I heard so many good things about this wonderful righteous woman who lived a very simple life but making sure she did her utmost to give to the poor the needy and the orphans. She feared no one but Allah (swt) and always seeking his pleasure. My friend told me how strict her grandmother was about the money she was collecting for her hajj journey and how she wanted its source to be pure from any doubtful matters. We plan and Allah is the best of planners, as soon as she managed to save some money from the labour that she did with her own hands, she took this money and helped an orphan with it who at the time was in desperate need. On my drive home I couldn’t stop reflecting at how selfless and great some of our elders were . Subhannaka Rabbi, how great were these women? Which reminded me of a story that sheikh Kish rahimahullah once told about Ibn Al-Mubarak a great Tabi’ee and how Allah had honoured him. As I arrived home I quickly looked for the detail of the story to remind myself and found it in a pdf format compiled by our wonderful sister Farhiya Yahya from Fajrwordpress she related:
In ‘Tartib al-Madarik’ Qadhi ‘Iyad mentions a particular incident concerning Ibn al-Mubarak as he was making his way to Hajj (pilgrimage). He reports that ‘Abdullah entered Kufa and saw a young woman plucking a dead duck. Since it is impermissible to consume dead meat, he asked her if it was sacrificed. She replied that it was not. ‘Then why are you plucking it?’ He said. She replied, ‘So that my family and I can eat it.’ He informed her that it was not permissible to do so, and so she said, ‘Go away.’ In a narration mentioned by Ibn Kathir, she said, ‘My brother and I have only one piece of clothing. We have no food except what we find thrown in the dumps. Carrion has become permissible for us to consume for a number of days now (due to severe poverty). Our father was a rich man but his wealth was taken from him oppressively and he was killed.’ He asked regarding her family’s whereabouts and she informed him. He hired a man to take him there and when he found the house, he released his riding animal and gave it to the household along with all the goods that were on it. In Ibn Kathir’s narration, it mentions that he handed over most of the money he had to the young woman (money that was provision for his Hajj), keeping only what was sufficient for his journey back to his land, Marw. He gave his provisions away to the impoverished family saying, ‘This is better for us than our (supererogatory) Hajj this year.’ When his companions returned from Hajj, they came to congratulate him on fulfilling his Hajj too. He said, ‘I did not go this year…’ One of them said, ‘Subhan’Allah! Did I not leave my possessions with you whilst we were at Mina and on our way to ‘Arafat?’ Another one said, ‘Likewise, didn’t you buy things for me?’ He turned to them saying, ‘I do not know what you are saying. As for myself, I did not go on hajj this year.’ Later that night, he had a dream wherein a voice called out to him saying, ‘Rejoice O’ Abdullah! Allah has accepted your act of charity and He sent an angel in your form to carry out the Hajj on your behalf.’
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Although I know my weakness, as I always want everything in a hurry.. I need to learn to wait, to anticipate. I need to learn to have my heart focused and accepting with what Allah has planned for me rather than what I want for myself. I realise that I can never give up longing and hoping while still alive… Yet to be grateful for every delay as I am always learning more. As my father always used to say optimistically “There is always goodness with every delay.” Most importantly one should not sit back and wait, but to strive and do good deeds. While continuously longing for the appointed time.
Just as the millions of pilgrims have left us a few weeks ago, some might be on their way back. While others might have decided to stay a little bit longer and some might never comeback to their loved ones as they are in a better place… May Allah accept their Hajj. Hajjan Mabroor wa Sa’yyan mashkuur!
As for you and I – who hasn’t had a chance yet.. Let us renew our intention and call upon Our Beloved, on these blessed days, asking Him The Almighty – to make us among ‘Dhuyuf Ar-Rahman’ The Guests of The Merciful next year.
Ameen!
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